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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28626003">Lexmas, but make it gay</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuwuneral/pseuds/fuwuneral'>fuwuneral</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Smallville</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Background Lana/Chloe, Christmas with the Kent-Luthor family, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mention of Jon Kent but he's not really a character in this, The title makes it sound like crack but I promise it's not, lexmas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:48:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,766</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28626003</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuwuneral/pseuds/fuwuneral</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I couldn't find this fic, so I made it myself. Enjoy a Clex retelling of S5E9: Lexmas.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clark Kent/Lex Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Lexmas, but make it gay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>See end notes for TW.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was a dreary place for a meeting, Lex thought as he pulled into the alley. He much preferred talking business in his comfortable, tastefully decorated office, when he could. Unfortunately, this kind of thing couldn’t always be avoided. Dirty places for dirty deeds. He parked the car, glancing around to make sure no one was following him before sliding back the heavy door and stepping inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ho ho ho, Lex,” his contact sing-songed from where he was perched on a concrete block.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of dripping water and an unpleasant metallic smell filled the air. Festive, Lex thought dryly to himself. “Any reason we couldn’t have met at the mansion?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t make house calls,” he said, stalking toward Lex. “You want to utilize my skills, you come to me. That is, if you really want to bring down Jonathan Kent.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex paused for a split second, wondering what he was doing here. I thought you were better than this, said Clark’s voice in the back of his mind. He shook it off. “I’m assuming you have some kind of grenade to launch at him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Griff grinned, leaning against a rusty ladder. “Not yet. But I will. I’ll either find it, or create it. It’s the pitfall of being in the public eye,” he said. “See, what’s printed about a man is gospel. Doesn’t matter if it’s fact or not.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex knew that all too well. He hesitated again, trying to will away the sick feeling in his gut. On the way here, he’d told himself that his relationship with Clark and his family was already over, that it didn’t matter now what he was willing to do to build something for himself outside of his father’s shadow. And yet, he hesitated. “Give me twenty-four hours,” he said. He turned and walked away without waiting for a response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your old man wouldn’t hesitate,” Griff called after him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stopped in his tracks. The bait was obvious, but effective. He stopped himself from taking it, though the taunt lodged uncomfortably in the back of his mind. “Before I go down the path you’re proposing, I want to consider all of my options.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s the matter, Lex?” Griff teased, because apparently he thought taunting Lex was going to end well for him. “Holiday spirit got you all sentimental?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex turned around. “If my father gets wind that we met,” he said, “You’re not going to make it to New Year’s, Griff.” He turned and left, satisfied that he’d gotten his point across.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This place really was a dump, he thought as he walked back into the alley, only just now realizing maybe he shouldn’t have taken a car with his name on the license plate. He registered three people stumbling out of a nearby dive bar, but didn’t look their way, focusing on getting to his car. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, well,” one of them called out, walking toward him, “Looks like Santa Claus came to town after all.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex sighed. “I’m not looking for trouble,” he said evenly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on man, I ain’t playin’!” The man pulled out a gun, and Lex stiffened, forcing himself to keep his cool. “Give me your keys! Now!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, take it easy,” he said, keeping his voice measured and his hands up. He handed over his keys, tensing to fight if he had to. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And the watch!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, Lex unbuckled the watch from his wrist. These thugs were obviously jumpy; any sudden moves would be a bad idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It turned out not to matter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt the impact before the pain, before he registered the sound of the gunshot. If he hadn’t been shot before, he might not have known what was happening at all. Hitting the ground hurt more than the bullet, and then everything went white.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he opened his eyes, he was in an unfamiliar bed, sunlight streaming through the windows. He didn’t recognize the room, but the homey decor immediately reminded him of the Kents’ farmhouse. He vaguely registered someone lying beside him and blinked, his eyes focusing on the peacefully sleeping face of Clark Kent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His breath caught in his chest, escaping him in a whisper. “...Clark?” Lex reached out hesitantly, stopping himself before he could brush back the hair from Clark’s forehead. Heartache overshadowed his confusion for a moment. The last time he’d seen Clark had left him with a sprained wrist and a nasty bruise across his back from being thrown into a table. He’d later heard from Lana that he’d been affected by a new kind of meteor rock, but hadn’t seen him since. Clark may not have been himself when they fought, but it wasn’t too far off from how their interactions usually went these days. How had they ended up here, waking up in bed together?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His thoughts were interrupted by a black-haired boy launching himself onto the bed, screaming. “Dad! You said you would make breakfast!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who are you?” Lex blurted out before he could think better of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beside him, Clark groaned tiredly. “You did promise him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wait, I don’t know what happened,” Lex said stupidly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark chuckled. “You promised Conner pancakes,” he said, as the boy--Conner--continued to jump up and down on the bed, “And then you’re going shopping for a tree.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Come on, Dad, let’s go!” Conner shouted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark must have mistaken Lex’s confusion for sleepiness, thankfully, because he laughed and lifted Conner up, hoisting him off the bed. “Come on, let’s get you dressed. Give your dad a little time to wake up.” He glanced back at Lex, flashing his sunny trademark smile, the one that never failed to make Lex’s heart skip a beat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What the...” Lex got out of bed as Clark and Conner left the room, looking around. The bedroom looked lived-in, a few Christmas decorations adorning the windows here, a teddy bear thrown carelessly on the floor there. He pulled up his shirt, observing a neat scar where he’d just been shot not five minutes ago. He ran his fingers over the raised skin. “What happened...” he murmured to himself. “Where am I?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No answers seemed to be materializing out of the air, so he made his way to the bathroom. He suspected he was either dead or dying, his brain granting him a merciful hallucination in his last moments. On the off chance it was real, though, he had an excited child to avoid disappointing, so he might as well get ready to go Christmas tree shopping. He fished around in the mirrored medicine cabinet for some Tylenol, grabbing the bottle. When he closed it, he froze, stunned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Behind him in the mirror stood his mother, exactly as he remembered her. “Hello, Lex,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Distantly, disappointment settled in; that answered the “is this real” question. He swallowed hard, trying not to think about how much he’d wanted it to be. “Am I dead?” he asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She shook her head. “No, Lex. You’re still very much alive.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then how...I’m dreaming.” He splashed his face with water, trying to clear his head and wondering why he bothered. If this was a dream, his body was bleeding out in a filthy back alley in Granville.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is real, Lex,” said his mother, her voice eerily serene. “This is your life, and it’s as real as you want it to be.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That doesn’t make any sense.” He shook his head. “This can’t be real.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not yet. But it can be. All of this can be yours if you make the right choices.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex leaned over the sink, exhaling heavily.  “All of this? What do you mean? What are you talking about?” He turned to face her, only to be faced with an empty bathroom. Far too exhausted to have just woken up, he swallowed the Tylenol and set about brushing his teeth. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lex yawned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You never were a morning person,” said Clark, depositing a car seat in Lex’s arms and following Conner onto the porch. “Wait for your dad!” he called after him before turning back to Lex. “Try and be back by six, ok? It doesn’t matter how old I get, I’ll get an earful if we’re late for Mom and Dad’s Christmas party.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Internally, Lex screamed at himself to do something other than stare blankly at Clark, but the message didn’t seem to reach his body, and he stood awkwardly on the top step. “...Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And this year, try and remember we’re on a budget.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Lex cursed himself internally for how clueless he sounded, but he couldn’t seem to stop. “Wait, budget?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark raised an eyebrow. “You know, it’s been seven years since your dad cut you off, you’re eventually going to have to get used to living like a regular person.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Lex could ask any follow-up questions--which was likely for the best--Conner tackled him at the knees, sending him tumbling down the stairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark caught him, setting him back on his feet. “Careful,” he said, chuckling as he picked up the fallen car seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sorry,” Conner mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex realized he was probably supposed to put the seat in the car, and clumsily wrestled it into the backseat. “Uh...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark laughed. “Seriously? All that fancy lab tech you used to work with, and you still can’t figure out how to work a kid’s car seat?” He gently pushed Lex aside, deftly fastening the various straps and buckles. “Alright, kiddo, in you go.” He lifted a giggling Conner into the seat, buckling him into place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They made a painfully domestic picture, and Lex’s heart ached as he watched them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark shut the car door, turning to Lex and taking his hand, looking down at him warmly. “Hey, sorry about the whole budget thing. I know it’s been an adjustment, and you just want the best for our family. It’s part of why I love you so much.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex barely had time to process that before Clark was kissing him, casually, as if they’d done this a million times before. If getting shot and waking up in a vision of an alternate future hadn’t totally fried his brain, that did the trick. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark pulled back, smiling. “I’ll see you when you get back. Drive safe, it’s snowy out there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I will.” Lex smiled back at him, climbing into an ugly car that they’d almost certainly bought used, and realized he had no idea where he was supposed to be going. He looked over his shoulder at Conner, who was idly playing with the straps on his car seat. “So, Conner, do you know where the...Christmas tree farm is?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m six.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Copy that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow, he found his way there in one piece, and even got Conner out of his car seat without hopelessly tangling the straps, whereupon he immediately ran off in search of the perfect tree.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, wait up!” Lex chuckled, following him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They browsed the trees for a while, during which Lex’s brain had time to catch up. He looked down at the ring on his left hand, twisting it around his finger. So this was his future, if he “made the right choices.” He and Clark were married, with a son. This was...he’d never dared to hope for anything like this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aunt Lana!!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Conner’s voice snapped Lex out of his thoughts, and he looked up to see him running toward Lana, who bent down to hug him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oof, you’re even bigger than the last time I saw you! You’ll be taller than me soon!” she exclaimed, laughing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dad says he thinks I’ll be taller than him too,” Conner proclaimed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that so?” Lana looked up at Lex, eyes sparkling. She stood up, and Lex saw that she was pregnant, cradling one hand under her belly. She patted Conner’s head. “You know, your aunt Chloe is around here somewhere, why don’t you go find her?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Conner ran off into the trees, shouting for Chloe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lana laughed. “How are you doing, Lex?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m great,” he replied, still taking everything in. “How are you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed heavily, but her smile didn’t falter. “I’m good. But if you and Clark decide to have a third kid, don’t let me volunteer to be your surrogate again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he and Clark had a second child on the way, as if this wasn’t already enough to take in. They’d presumably sat down together and decided to start a family. Twice. This time, Lex caught himself before he could express surprise at something he was clearly supposed to already know. “Lana, I...can’t thank you enough, really,” he said, hoping it would seem like a normal thing to say.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She smiled. “You say that every time you see me. I’m happy to do it, really. I just don’t want to do it again,” she teased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Conner emerged from the trees with Chloe in tow, tugging her along by the hand. “I found her!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe laughed. “You sure did, bud.” She scooped him up, spinning before setting him down. “Hi, Lex.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, Chloe,” said Lex, trying not to think about how strange this was. He and Chloe weren’t even on speaking terms in real life--or, as far as he could remember, since he wasn’t even sure what was real anymore. And Lana...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have some big news,” said Chloe, interrupting his thoughts. She beamed. “My book is getting published in January.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course. Her book. That was clearly something he was supposed to know about, so he nodded and smiled. “Wow, Chloe, that’s great.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right? They loved the idea of a Luthorcorp exposé complete with an anonymous tell-all source.” She threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly. “Thank you, Lex. I couldn’t have done it without you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, Miss My-book’s-about-to-be-published,” Lana chimed in, “Let’s get the tree and get out of here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe grinned, taking her hand. “See you, Lex.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dad!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex turned to Conner, who was pointing enthusiastically at a tree he was pretty sure didn’t fit into Clark’s idea of a budget.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This one’s awesome!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled, looking up at the towering tree. He had to admit--it was pretty awesome.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Conner bolted to the front door as soon as Lex freed him from his car seat. “Daddy! Come see the tree!” he shouted as Clark opened the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex leaned against the side of the car as Clark followed Conner down the steps. Their eyes met, and Clark gave him a look that he knew meant “you went over the budget.” There was no anger behind it, though, and he just shrugged in response, smiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, I know what you’re thinking,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark chuckled. “That you can’t say no to your son?” He ruffled Conner’s hair, and the boy’s face lit up with a grin that melted Lex’s heart. He was the spitting image of Clark, and his smile was just as bright. It hit him, suddenly, that whether this was real or not, it was more than he’d ever thought he could have.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something like that,” said Lex. “And I can certainly understand how you’d reach that conclusion, but the thing is...this tree is for me. Clark, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but after my mother died, my father didn’t allow Christmas to be celebrated in our house. My Christmas memories mostly involve hiding in the coat closet at Luthorcorp office parties. But when I saw this tree, I just...” He looked at the tree, then back at Clark and Conner--at his family. “It was just like what I’d always wished I could have had. Somehow, it represented all the Christmases I’ve missed.” He sighed. “...Can you understand that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark smiled, closing the distance between them and taking his hand. “I think so, considering it’s the same thing you tell me every year.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Longing burned in Lex’s chest, and he swallowed the knot in his throat before it could turn into tears. His mind filled with all of the things he wished he could say to the real Clark. I’m sorry. I want to fix this. I love you, I always have. He settled for pulling Clark into a hug, resting his head on his shoulder, holding him close. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark returned the embrace, and Lex found himself wishing this would last forever.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright,” said Clark as he pulled back, “Let’s get this thing inside.” He untied the tree from the top of the car and lifted it effortlessly onto his shoulder, taking a few steps toward the house before staggering dramatically, dropping the tree to the ground. “Oh no, it’s so heavy!” he said loudly. “I need some help!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I got it, I got it!!!” Conner rushed to help, and Clark smiled, lifting the heavy end of the tree while Conner tried his best to help, brow furrowed in concentration. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex hurried to hold open the door, chuckling as the branches scraped against the doorframe, shedding needles everywhere and leaving a trail of them on the floor. He shut the door and followed them inside, watching contentedly as they set up the tree. His eyes fell on a large tin on a side table, emblazoned with the Luthorcorp logo. “What’s this?” he asked, picking it up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your dad’s secretary sent that, she never does forget about us,” Clark called from across the room. He stepped back from the tree, satisfied it was in place. “Go get changed for the party, okay? We can decorate the tree when we get back.” Conner nodded and took off up the stairs--Lex wondered if he even knew how to walk at a normal speed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is a corporate gift, not something from my father,” said Lex, confused. He remembered a moment too late that Clark had mentioned his father had cut him off.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let it get to you,” said Clark, crossing the room and leaning against the table next to Lex. “Holidays are just another way for your dad to ignore you, you know that.” There was an edge to Clark’s voice, a righteous anger that Lex was used to hearing when Clark talked about things he believed in. “All because you turned your back on his idea of what it means to be a Luthor.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ah.” Lex set the tin down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark wrapped an arm around Lex’s waist, pulling him close. “Hey. For what it’s worth, I think getting shot was the best thing that ever happened to you.” He paused. “Uh...that came out wrong. What I meant was...going through that and realizing what was really important in life made you who you are. When you turned your back on Lionel and Luthorcorp, that’s when I knew.” He kissed Lex’s temple. “I knew right then I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck. Lex willed himself not to cry, taking an audibly shaky breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Lex smiled. “I’m okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.” Clark leaned down and kissed him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The farm was decked out for Christmas, dripping in lights and garlands as they pulled up outside. Several cars were already gathered down the length of the driveway, and through the window Lex glimpsed a crowded living room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe opened the door, grinning when she saw them. “Mr. and Mrs. Kent, your son is finally here!” she called over her shoulder before turning back to them. “Lana’s at home, she was too tired to make it tonight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About time, tell him to get himself to the kitchen and help me!” Martha’s voice responded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe looked at Clark and shrugged. “You heard her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Grandma!” Conner nearly knocked over two party guests on his way to the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark kissed Lex on the cheek. “Go mingle, we’ll catch up to you.” He disappeared into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex looked around as he made his way into the living room, unsure. He didn’t recognize half the people here, and those he did wouldn’t be happy to see him in real life. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A hand fell on his shoulder, gripping him in a friendly half-hug. “Just the man I was looking for.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex blinked. He’d taken a lot in his stride today, but that couldn’t actually be Jonathan Kent’s voice. He turned around and yeah, it actually was. “Uh, hi,” he said awkwardly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonathan steered him to a table in the corner of the room. “Look, I probably shouldn’t be showing you this, but being a state senator has its advantages. Little advance notice from the governor.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex could only stare, baffled, as Jonathan reached under the table and withdrew a box, pulling back the silver wrapping to reveal a plaque: </span>
  <em>
    <span>The Kansas Humanitarian Award: Bestowed by the governor and legislature of the state of Kansas upon Lex Luthor, in recognition of his generosity and dedication in providing housing for the homeless.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Not for the first time today, Lex found himself rendered speechless, though for an entirely different reason. A memory floated to the front of his mind of his time at Excelsior, pacing the halls with Duncan and talking about all their plans to use their education to help the poor. He’d thought that dream had long since been beaten out of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lex, I never actually thought I’d say this,” said Jonathan, “I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, and I’ll always regret how I reacted when Clark told us he was marrying you. But I couldn’t be prouder of you if you were my own son. I’m glad I get to call you family.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex realized he should probably respond. “Mr. Kent, uh...I don’t know what to say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jonathan patted his shoulder. “Let’s tell everybody, shall we?” He raised his voice, addressing the room. “Everybody grab a glass and listen up!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The room went quiet, and Lex had to hand it to the man. He knew how to command respect.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ladies and gentlemen, I have it on very good authority that this year’s Kansas Humanitarian Award is going to our very own Lex Luthor-Kent.” He raised his glass. “To Lex. The finest man I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s my husband!” Clark shouted, having emerged from the kitchen at some point. He was beaming, his eyes sparkling with light and affection that Lex hadn’t seen directed at him in over a year. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>More words were exchanged, but Lex didn’t hear them. Overwhelmed, he slipped out to the porch, taking a deep breath of the wintery air. His mother was standing at the edge of the porch steps, and the reminder that this was all a dream crashed down on top of him. She didn’t say anything, waiting for him to speak first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He leaned against the wooden railing. “This has been the best day of my life,” he said. “I can’t remember ever being this happy. Thank you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It doesn’t have to end, Lex,” she said. “Every day can be this wonderful. I told you this is the life you could have. The life you can have, Lex.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is what I want,” he said, with a kind of certainty he didn’t know he was capable of. “What do I have to do?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You just have to make the right decision,” she said cryptically. “Follow your heart, not your ambition.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex sighed. “What decision? What are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lex,” sad Clark from the doorway, stepping out to join him on the porch, “Who are you talking to?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t have to turn and look to know his mother had disappeared. “No one. Or possibly myself,” he said. “I don’t really know anymore. I guess I’m just feeling contemplative this evening.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, well, the holidays will do that to you,” said Clark, playfully raising his glass in Lex’s direction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled. “You know, my life hasn’t turned out at all the way I planned, and yet I’ve never been happier.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, you have a wonderful life, and every reason to be happy,” said Clark, setting down his glass and pulling Lex closer with a smile. “I mean, you have a pretty great husband.” Lex laughed, and Clark continued. “A wonderful son, a baby on the way...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Something I still can’t quite believe,” said Lex. He kissed Clark, because he could. “Me and you. How the hell did that happen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you kidding? I ask myself the same thing every day.” Clark reached up and stroked Lex’s cheek softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess it took getting shot to become the kind of man you could love,” said Lex, meaning as a joke but internally cringing at how sad it was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark shook his head. “You always were. You just needed to realize it yourself.” They kissed again, achingly tender, and Lex felt weightless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Clark, Lex!” Martha hurried out onto the porch. “Come quickly, it’s Lana.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is she okay?” Clark and Lex asked in unison.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Martha nodded. “She’s gone into labor. Chloe is taking her to the hospital now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex froze for a moment like a deer in the headlights, then Clark was leading him inside by the arm. They left Conner at the farm, rushing to the hospital.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe met them in the waiting room. “Hey, glad you got here so fast.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How’s Lana?” Clark asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, everything is going well so far. She kicked me out just now, said I was annoying her,” Chloe grumbled sheepishly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex chuckled. “Well, that’s good to hear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She nodded, smiling. “So, you two got a name picked out yet?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark nodded. “We’ve had it picked out for a while. Jonathan, after my dad.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aww.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex smiled nervously, taking a seat in the waiting room next to Clark, who took his hand, lacing their fingers together. Lex leaned against him, resting his head on Clark’s shoulder in thoughtful silence and more sure than ever that he never wanted this beautiful dream to end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then, suddenly, it turned upside down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A nurse hurried out of Lana’s room, quickly returning with a doctor and another nurse, rattling off medical jargon he only caught a few words of. He stood, looking around. “What’s going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chloe’s eyes widened, scared. “Is she okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the nurses paused on her way past just long enough to say, “She’s fine, but the baby needs to be moved to intensive care immediately.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex looked down at Clark, whose face had gone white. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fuck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please sit down, we’ll update you as soon as we can,” said the nurse before hurrying on her way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What seemed like an eternity later, a lab-coated doctor approached them with a clipboard. Lex’s blood was pounding in his ears, but he caught the gist of it; the Smallville medical center wasn’t equipped to save their son. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex swallowed hard, knowing there was one more thing he could try. “Stay here. I’ll be back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It might have been his imagination, but the mansion looked dark. Haunted. Lex made his way to the office that used to be his, taking a deep breath as he pushed the door open. His father sat at the desk, hunched over some papers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dad,” he said, cursing his voice for how shaky it sounded, “I, uh...I need your help.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t doubt it,” Lionel said coldly. “Why else would you be here on Christmas Eve?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s my son, Jonathan. He was born an hour ago, but there were complications. They’re doing everything they can but we need to get him to a specialist. There’s a surgeon in Metropolis at the Davis Clinic.” Even as he said it, Lex knew it was hopeless. Lionel had tried to kill Lex for sending him to prison; letting his son die wouldn’t bother him in the slightest. Still, he had to try, even though it was hopeless, even though chances were this was all a dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Lex, what a sorry situation you’ve gotten yourself into,” said Lionel, in a voice that suggested he wasn’t sorry at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you understand,” said Lex, clinging to a shred of hope that his father still had something resembling a soul. “My newborn son is dying, and I need the helicopter to save him." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I understand you perfectly. You turned your back on me seven years ago, but now you need my help. So now, you have no problem banging on my door, begging for help, all in the name of family.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re talking about my son!” he roared, planting his hands on the edge of the table as if he could yell hard enough to turn his father into a halfway decent human being. “I know we’ve had our differences, but this is your baby grandson we’re talking about!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How can I have a grandson?” Lionel remarked casually. “I don’t have a son.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex wasn’t sure he’d ever been so angry in his life. The only thing stopping him from grabbing the nearest blunt object and beating his father to death was knowing it would delay getting back to his family at the hospital. “You bastard,” he growled. “You can save him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Lex. I’m not going to do that.” Lionel leaned back in his chair, and Lex felt a fresh surge of rage at the fact that not only was he letting Jon die as a punishment, but he was evidently enjoying it. “Don’t you understand that every decision you’ve made has brought you to this very moment, beginning that day seven years ago in the hospital when you decided to forfeit the state senate race to Jonathan Kent? I warned you, but you chose to give up your family. And when you made that decision, you gave up the money and the power that would have enabled you to save your son.” He stood, stalking toward Lex until he was inches away. “Pathetic.” He shook his head, turning and walking away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex stood frozen, trembling with rage and other emotions he didn’t have names for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lionel looked up, like he’d expected Lex to go away. “You said you didn’t want to be a Luthor,” he said. “That you wanted instead to be free to live happily ever after. Go on then, Lex. You’d better get back to it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex clenched his fists, exhaling heavily, and made his way back to the hospital, knowing he’d have to face Clark and Lana empty-handed and wishing he was anywhere else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clark was pacing in the hallway, a stony look on his face that he’d only seen a few times before. He looked up as Lex walked in, worry and a heart-rending trace of hope in his eyes. “They’re still in there,” he said quietly. “They won’t let me in the room, but they said...the odds are he won’t make it through the night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex felt a tear roll down his cheek, and quickly wiped his eyes. “I tried, Clark. I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The look on Clark’s face broke Lex’s heart all over again. “...I know you did.” He pulled Lex into his arms, hugging him tightly. “Don’t give up hope.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you,” said Lex, because he knew he might not get the chance again. “Maybe I tell you that all the time, I don’t know, but I love you so much. I’ve always loved you.” He exhaled heavily. “And I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry I let you down.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t, Lex,” said Clark. “I love you, too. You’re a good man.” He pressed a kiss to the top of Lex’s head. He usually hated people touching his head, but Clark’s touch was comforting, welcome. “Don’t ever change.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With an extra squeeze for good measure, Clark let go of him, resuming his anxious pacing. Lex felt a delicate hand on his shoulder, and turned to see his mother standing before him again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What did you do?” he demanded, voice trembling. “Why didn’t you stop this? I thought you were showing me a better life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was, Lex,” she said, voice still infuriatingly placid. “I am.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A life where my son dies before he gets the chance to live?!” A passing nurse glanced his way as he raised his voice, and he ducked around the corner, where his mother followed him. “A life full of pain?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Lex, a life full of love.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Love?” Lex clenched his fists, fighting back the urge to scream. “So many people I love have died, first Julian, then you, and now...now my son is dying, and I can’t do anything to stop it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked away, toward the hallway and Clark, but his vision began to blur and brighten until everything was obscured by white light, and he woke up gasping in a hospital bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A vice-like grip tightened on his arm, and his father’s voice rang in his ear. “I’m here, Lex. You’re at the Davis Clinic in Metropolis. You’ve been shot. But you’re going to be alright.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Disoriented, Lex sank back down onto the bed, breathing heavily. The dream--had it been a dream? He didn’t know if he’d ever be sure--played again in his mind, lingering on the look on Clark’s face when Lex told him he couldn’t save their baby. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>--</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> Lionel hovered in the doorway. “Lex. You wanted to talk to me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right,” Lex said. “I should probably be resting. After all, I did just undergo a life-threatening operation.” The sight of his father turned his stomach, but he turned to look at him anyway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lionel stepped inside, closing the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dr. Litvack told me the odds of survival I had going into surgery,” said Lex. “Pretty reckless roll of the dice, don’t you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lionel had the nerve to smile. “On the contrary, son. What I did may appear callous, but what I did for my son was a deliberate decision.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But it wasn’t your decision to make, was it?” Lionel’s words echoed in his head--</span>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t have a son.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “You went against the doctor’s advice not because you wanted to save me, but because you couldn’t bear having a cripple for a son.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You may hate me for taking the risk, but I had to make a choice,” said Lionel, leaning over Lex’s bed. “And you’re alive, and you can walk. I had to give you that chance.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And what if I hadn’t made it?” If he’d been able, Lex would have thrown a punch. “How would you have justified your decision then?” Lionel tried to move away, but Lex grabbed his wrist. The anger he’d felt in the dream, watching Lionel deny him the chance to save his son’s life, boiled over. “How dare you play God with my life?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lionel yanked his arm free and left the room. Coward.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lex sighed, turning his face toward the window and watching the gently falling snow.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had a lot to think about.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: implied infant death. It's ambiguous on purpose but the way I imagine it, Jon actually lives but Lex doesn't know. Also, gun violence and parental abuse, but if you've seen the episode you already know that.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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